When I joined a popular weight loss program in March 2001, I set a goal weight of 155 pounds. I finally reached my goal in September 2001 and thought I would never be close to 200 pounds again! Just count points, exercise and like magic the scale would forever read 155; however, when life happened I had no desire to follow this plan. Not only did I gain back the 30 pounds I lost, I found myself weighing a hefty 236 pounds by June 2016. I probably gained and lost weight at least five times over this fifteen year period trying several weight loss programs in the process. The problem wasn’t physical weight…it was mental weight I carried that manifested in the physical.
Why do I self medicate with food? What do I not want to face? With the help of my wellness coach, we devised a clever way to let go of emotional pain while extracting the lessons I needed to move forward; I began a full body detox and wrote a letter to my 155 pound self.
I tried to come up with a clever way to say goodbye but after wrestling with this thought, all I can say is thank you. I realize you represent the part of me that does not want to heal, the part of me that clings to the past, cries over mistakes already grieved, seeks others’ approval over The Creator’s approval, and lives in fear of the unknown and undiscovered. 155 possesses a vested interest in the land of familiar and only wants to fly under the radar leaving me stuck. I cracked the code 155, and I must take responsibility for what I’ve learned. You stand ignorant of mistakes and refuse to learn life lessons from the challenges you face. As a matter of fact, the constant tears about the past proves how tightly you hold onto baggage. By making yourself look pretty on the outside, the inside stayed bathed in alcohol, excessive spending, and sex…flipping from one vice to another to avoid the pain. I’m here to tell you 155, that is NOT a life worth living.
Over the past year, I’ve seen a few different numbers on the scale 205, 215, 221, and at my heaviest 236. Once I began the detox, the number steadily declined. Despite turning back to old habits and running into a few road blocks, I maintained my post detox weight loss. I don’t feel like a blimp when I choose to eat something out of my new healthier normal; whereas, 155 could put on 5 pounds during a weekend binge. By setting you free, I no longer stay in binge mode, but instead ask myself, “Why? What emotion am I feeling that drives me to eat or spend excessively?” I then remind myself that I am enough, 215 can handle the challenges along this journey because I choose my love of the Creator over the baggage. It would be hard pressed to carry that luggage into my destiny knowing the lessons are what count. If I have to repeat this statement all day every day, so be it…nothing is better than the path to the fulfillment of God’s promise and I plan to enjoy it to the fullest!!
155, thank you for your time with me, it’s been quite educational. I let go of the pain of feeling unlovable, I let go of the pain of feeling used as a sexual object, I let go of the pain of not saying good bye to my grandmother, I let go the resentment of being known as my mother’s twin, I let go of focusing on what others think of me, I wear my scars and bruises with pride, I adore my quirks, I appreciate the moment in time, I focus less on the future and more on what can be done now, I take chances, I go places alone and enjoy it, I love on my natural hair, I go to the store in gym clothes with no make-up, I don’t hold on to a man just to have a warm body in the bed, I started my business plan, I embrace the plant based lifestyle, I celebrate others living in their truth, and most of all I place great value on my existence. I realize there are still subjects to explore including adult temper tantrums, asking for what I need, and avoidance of confrontation or uncomfortable situations. That’s all to be dealt with in due time, 155. Please understand the dangers of the ego that allowed me to hold onto you, “If I can’t help me, who can?” Where I end, God begins; therefore, if I check my ego, the closer I can be to God! As I continue to do my work, I must bid you a fond farewell, 155. You served your purpose in my life and I am a better woman because of our encounter.
Leslie Nicole Truesdale
Man it feels good to let go and experience true freedom. I am so grateful for my coach’s guidance and encourage others to dive deep into their pain to discover joy you’ve never felt! If you have an addiction or need counseling, reach out to your doctor, health advisor, or member of clergy. They have resources to help you on the path to healing! Share your thoughts, I look forward to reading them!